June 21, 2017

Coffee Chats · The Past Few Days...



The inside of my head has been a jumble of background noise, and internal yelling as of late, and I wanted to come on here to talk about it for a number of reasons. Along with this post, I'm going to make a post about how I have been dealing with this (if I even have been dealing with this) and because I started this blog as a method of reflecting on things in a few years, or even as something for my kids to look back on. If I, or they, are ever feeling this way I want them to know that they are not alone.

There has been an overwhelming amount of pressure attacking me from all angles. There is pressure at work because we have been understaffed, and there is an abhorrent amount of work that needs to get done. I think I'm relied on at work because I do my work, and I do it well, and I try not to complain about it because it's what I get paid to do. However, because there is only a sliver of people at the bookstore that do their job the pressure on me and the small handful of colleagues is on a rapid incline.

I have been feeling pressure from my mom and my uncle a lot lately, which is what messes with my head and my mental health the most. I have a picture in my head of the things I want to accomplish, and where I want to be in a year. However, my mom has an entirely different picture and is trying to push me in that direction and my internal monologue whenever she talks to me about money, a job, or a car is basically !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I should be able to have typical conversations with my mom. Standard mother-daughter conversations, but because she chooses to see the world in dollar signs that isn't something that we can do. And I will not apologize for putting my mental health before my bank account.
(I also have to begin paying back student loans this next month, and if anybody think that on top of that I can afford a car payment, they are mistaken.

To conclude, I have been dealing with a lot of societal pressure, and lack of self love. I'm going to group those together. The problem is that there isn't necessarily a source as to why I'm feeling so sad in these regards. However, I can probably pinpoint a majority of it to being overweight, especially in the summer time. Living with my mom, she tends to associate the words 'pretty' and 'skinny,' and shame larger girls for going into public wearing something they are comfortable in. Then, she blows it off as though she's teasing if I tell her she's being rude. But, she's never teasing, and this is where my body issues stem from. UI've started going back to the gym (more on that in a later post), and really watching what I eat. Here's to getting back on track!

I'm sorry this isn't necessarily as optimistic as my other posts, but this is something I wanted to come on here and share with you all because this is where my headspace has been lately, and I'm sorry that I haven't been present on here. I'm going to leave you all with the perfect depiction of how exactly I have been feeling as of late:


1 comment

  1. Hey there! It's alright to vent and it's okay to be real about the pressures you've been facing; it's always better to let it out :) I feel you when it comes to societal pressures, but then it's always good to remind ourselves that this is the life we have, and we live it at our own pace and capabilities.

    Your mom may just be concerned about your future; I'm sure moms want what's best for their children. While she may mean well with her inputs, you could take it as motivation to do better, or to remind her of what your own goals and interests are.

    Take a step back and breathe; you got this! :)

    http://helloannajo.blogspot.com

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